But I’m a Creep!

At one point or another we’ve heard this song come up on the radio and felt like you can almost relate to it. That elusive beauty sitting across the room in no way will ever notice you! She’s radiant and you’re… well, you’re just not.

Ok, maybe that was a little melodramatic, but you get my point.

Let’s say that for some reason this woman DOES notice you. She walks up to you, or by chance you two strike up a conversation and she wants to continue it another time, over drinks! Awesome! Score!

And then the insecurities start to creep in. What the hell does this demi-goddess (Or demi-god!) see in me? I’m so short, or I’m so fat, or I’m so ugly, my nose is crooked… She’ll never go for me, I’m kidding myself and end up humiliated when she leaves me for a really awesome guy.

Will she? Well, yeah, if you keep thinking that you’re worthless she’ll start to think it too. That’s a fact.

But ask yourself if she wasn’t at least a little bit interested would she even bother wanting to hang out? She wouldn’t. If she wants to hang out then she wants to test the waters. Doesn’t mean that tomorrow she’s going to want to move in (Unless she’s needy and crazy! Then at that point, stay the hell away!!) it simply means that she wants to see how it goes, your personality, your goals. You got through the first hurdle.

There is SOMETHING in you that she finds attractive. Don’t focus on what she may NOT find attractive. Truth is everyone is different, for example, I like short guys. I’m a good-looking slim 5’6″  red-headed pin up model. For all intents and purposes I’m a “hot girl”. But I like short, stocky guys. If I’m seeing someone that’s short and he has a complex he’ll focus on how horrible it is that I’m taller in heels, while I’m thinking he’s totally hot. Eventually his complex will annoy me and I’ll leave, not because he’s short but because I can’t handle the insecurity. My sister, for example is gorgeous, slim, long dark hair, also a model. She likes older men that aren’t exactly the best looking. Why? They treat her well, she likes the maturity. She likes that they already have their lives together. Now, if they start to question and wonder why SHE is with THEM she will annoyed and drop him. Point is, we are all different. We are all attracted to different things, what you might think is gross someone else might think is really hot. Some guys like girls with huge fat asses, others are repulsed by it. See?

Focus on your good points. Are you hilarious? Did you find her cracking up as you guys were talking? Maybe you have the same moral standing? Did she mention dogs to you and you told her about the time you stole a puppy to save him from his crappy owners? Doesn’t matter what it is, point is, there’s something. Focus on that.

Let’s say that you’re completely at a loss as to what this thing could be. So what? Don’t focus on anything. She wants to hang out, don’t question it. Ever hear the quickest way to get rid of a miracle is to question it? Accept that there’s something there that she likes and let it go!

Nervous about hanging out? Imagine and FEEL (This is very important!) how it will be to sit down with her and her alone and how she’s going to be simply riveted by your conversation. How she is going to be drawn to you because you are unique, because you are smart. Imagine you two in as much detail as possible, the setting, her outfit (Dress her like she was the day that you met.) how proud she’s feeling sitting with you. Do this a few days before you guys meet up and the day of don’t even think about it. Just go about your day as if nothing is going to happen, it’s a regular day and later on that night you’re going to meet up with a buddy.The first few times that you do this it will seem almost like a lie, but the more you do this eventually it will become indisputable truth. This is called visualization. It’s a very effective tool that even Olympic athletes use daily in their training.

Remember that you are testing HER out, you’re there to see if she is worthy of YOU. Ask her about herself, what she does on her time off. What she does when she’s bored. Do these answers seem ok to you? Does she go clubbing all the time? Are you ok with the party lifestyle?

If things don’t work out. Oh well. You met this girl, you’ll meet someone else. Remember that every person that you meet is an opportunity to learn more about yourself. For example, maybe you think that you’re ok with open relationships. I mean it sounds like a great idea. You have the freedom to do whatever you want, no strings, you have someone to go out with that you know you get along with. Then you start to date someone and you discover that an open relationship isn’t really what you want. You don’t like the feeling of your significant other seeing other people. You don’t like that she’s openly dating and kissing and maybe even sleeping with other men! You begin to see what your standards are by dealing with other people. You learn about the things that you can deal with and what you can’t.

Remember that no one is perfect, but it’s finding someone that has the things that you like and the things that you don’t like that you can deal with that makes that person right for YOU and the relationship functional. If you find that you’re holding back your emotions to not “piss her off” or convincing yourself that her smoking habit isn’t really that bad but you’re actually repulsed by the smell and she’s not willing to quit, she’s not for you!

So when you DO meet the elusive “her” you will be prepared.

An important thing to touch on is that the only way to get rid of fear and insecurities is to get out there. Starting is scary, but practice makes perfect. The more you do it, the easier it’ll become and pretty soon you’ll be dating and not even thinking about it. You’re out there to pick HER, not the other way around!

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I’m going to die alone!

You’re not. That kind of thinking will only attract exactly that.

You start to think that you’re worthless out of a relationship, that no one will ever get you and that no one will ever see how truly awesome and different you are. And that is exactly what people will see. That innate fear is keeping you from being happy.

The first and most important thing is that you have to be happy and fulfilled by your OWN life.

If you feel that you NEED a relationship right now, a relationship is NOT what you need. You feel that it will fill a void, that you’re missing something in your life, it will undoubtedly fill it- for the moment. But, you are entering from a needy place. The other person will sense it and either take advantage of you or drop you unexpectedly and then you’ll be devastated, blame the other person and wonder what the hell is wrong with you.

Well first, there’s nothing wrong with you!

Being in a relationship doesn’t define you. YOU define you. If you think it’ll give you status, or make you feel better when you’re going to a family event or anything along those lines, it’s your sense of self worth that needs to be worked on. (I’ll talk about ways to do that in an upcoming post.)

So, where should you be mentally when getting into a relationship?

Ask yourself the following: if tomorrow that super hot girl or guy that you’ve been out on dates with a few times doesn’t call you back anymore is it the end of the world? You have your friends, your hobbies, your LIFE and him or her being out of it is a small part that can quickly and EASILY be filled in with other super awesome things.

Remember that you were fine before you met this person and you’ll be fine without them.
If this isn’t where you are right now, then you have to get there before you can even think about getting into a relationship with anyone.

If you get into a relationship and find it consuming your thoughts, your life, you cancel plans with friends, and you’re not doing the things that you normally do then you are not in a healthy place.
You have to be a complete person, your significant other does not “complete” you, but rather compliments you. You’re not some half human wandering around like a zombie until you meet the infamous “her” or “him” and that person makes you whole. You have to be whole to begin with.

So, how do you achieve that “whole” feeling?

The expectation that people aren’t going to like you, that voice in your head that tells you that you aren’t “enough” has to go. You attract what you put out, so if you’re putting out that you are worthless people WILL treat you like you’re worthless. You are NOT worthless you just haven’t realized it yet.

1. Wake up in the morning and before getting out of bed smile. The simple act of smiling will bring about a positive feeling, at first it’ll be almost imperceptible but after a while you’ll start to see the difference. It might feel silly at first, it’s not, just smile. 🙂 Smiling releases endorphins, you’ll feel good, people will notice and they’ll come see what’s so awesome. That will make you feel good and the rest of the day will follow.

2. Smile into every mirror. The fact is people are attracted to happy people. Neither you nor I want to hang around a sad negative person, they’ll make YOU sad because emotions are contagious. Once you master this you’ll see that you’ll start attracting people to you with those same happy emotions. People will want to hang around you, which in turn means that you’ll attract people that are good candidates for that special relationship, people that are also in a good healthy place.

3. There is ALWAYS a silver lining. I have a friend that is socially awkward. For his birthday he posted on facebook asking who wanted to do something that night. The replies to his post were all the same, his friends all had excuses and things that they had to do that night. It made him feel like crap and go deeper into his shell. He ended up staying at home, playing video games all night and drinking beer. Truth is, that sounds like an awesome night! I wish that I had the time sit in front of my tv and play skyrim and drink an IPA all night!! Instead of wallowing he should be grateful that he has the time, that he has an xbox, that he has himself!! Being ok doing things alone makes you interesting, people want to know why you’re so comfortable with your own company (Not many people are, and it’s fascinating when someone is doing something alone and is perfectly ok with it.) and they’ll want to hang out with you, maybe catch some of your confidence!! As a side note: when someone is alone and doesn’t FEEL ok with it, they’re awkward whether they realize or not. People will sense that and they won’t seem confident, just creepy. That awkward feeling only goes away with practice. Go to a wine tasting by yourself, talk to the wine reps, ask about the wine, the taste, pretty soon you won’t feel alone and talking to people will seem much easier. Go to the movies by yourself, you won’t have to talk to anyone and it’ll get you used to that alone feeling.

4. Enroll in a gym. Working out also releases endorphins, you’ll start to look great and have more confidence. This also adds to that alone feeling, you go to the gym by yourself, ask the trainers about working out, ask someone there about an exercise that they’re doing. Working out makes you feel good, people enjoy making other people feel good, they’ll help you out. Now this is very important! DO NOT ask a girl that you think is cute about working out. She’ll sense that you’re hitting on her and be creeped out. Ask things to people that are doing something that you’re genuinely interested in knowing about.

5. Eat better. Start small. If every morning you have a doughnut for breakfast, switch it for whole wheat toast. If you love pasta, have it once a week and only whole wheat pasta. (There is a lot to say about eating healthy, feel free to message me about it!) If you put two scoops of sugar in your coffee, try just one. Skip that afternoon fast food burger and pack a lunch! Little by little it’ll start to feel natural and these will become life long habits. Eating healthier will allow you to manage your weight, which will make you happier and people LOVE happy people.

The important thing to keep in mind here is that happiness is attractive!! In order to be happy you have to feel happy!

Once you’ve accomplished all that you’ll see that little by little you will be surrounded by great things and great people. It takes time, but you will build confidence.

Send me your comments and questions, I’d love to get into more specifics about this!

Nice guys finish last…

I hear my friends say all the time that girls like assholes. Guys that will jerk her around and treat her like crap and will make the girl be putty in his hands. I’m here to set the record straight. This applies to guys and girls (I’ve heard my girl friends saying how guys only like bitches…) because no one wants a doormat! What you think is you being “nice” is really you going out of your way for someone that hasn’t committed to you or shown you that they’ve earned that kind of dedication from you. That makes you a doormat. NOT a nice guy.

Now, don’t get me wrong! There is a certain sex appeal to the bad boy. To that guy that will run circles around your life. But that is not relationship material and every girl knows that. Whether she will admit it or not is a different story, but deep down us girls all know that the bad boy is a temporary distraction. I’m sure you’re saying yeah but so and so is still hung up on this one dude that cheated, treated her bad, stole her puppy etc etc… truth is that’s a girl with deep rooted self esteem issues, daddy issues, and many other dysfunctional personality issues that if you’re looking for a serious stable healthy relationship you should stay away from!

Every relationship is a give and take, whether it be with your siblings, friends, family, coworkers. When it isn’t it’s dysfunctional. If your boss treats you like crap, doesn’t appreciate your hard work you feel bad, you aren’t getting back what you’re investing. Doesn’t work. Same rules apply to the dating world.

My buddy is currently dating this girl. She’s cute, she’s smart, she has her life together. So does he. He’s a med student, has a great family, they’re very supportive and close knit.

He and this girl started seeing each other a few months back. Whenever they hang out he’s very respectful. He hasn’t touched her… AT ALL, no kissing no holding hands- nothing.

At the beginning she would text him good morning every morning and send messages when she was bored. She’d tell him when she was going out and with whom. All signs that she’s into him.

All of a sudden she’s kind of detached herself. He doesn’t hear from her as much. He’s getting the feeling that she’s bored.

Let’s get some more details: She lives two hours from him. He drives down to see her, she hasn’t ever driven to him. Once he drove down and they went to best buy and he cosigned for her to get an Ipad. Then she talked about wanting a case for it. He went out of his way (He doesn’t think that he did. But the fact that he’s doing this and she isn’t his girlfriend is him going out of his way for her.) to find her a case. She texted him reminding him of the color that she wanted and that she needs a screen protector too.

Within that conversation she sent him a very telling text: “You prob think I’m so annoying”. Remember this is right after she asked for the case and screen protector. He responded that he doesn’t for a second think that she’s annoying and the anything that will make her comfortable he will happily do.

A few weeks later she starts to detach herself.

You might be tempted to think that he’s being nice and that girls respond to guys treating them like crap and this is why NICE guys finish last.

WRONG.

He’s being a doormat! There is a fine line between a doormat and nice guy. He should save all of those “I will do anything for you” responses until she’s his girlfriend and they have touched, kissed, had sex. Right now he’s showing her that she can take advantage of him. The two hour drives without her reciprocating? NOT an equal partnership. Nothing that will make her want to do better for him.

He can salvage this. Right now he needs to call her up and plan a date in HIS area. If she says she’s busy try one more time to invite her down. After that, cut it off. She is not making this equal and YOU deserve better. (And that fact is a VERY important issue that I’ll discuss in a later blog.)

Have her come down and hang out in a romantic setting. Go out to dinner, then take her for a walk in the park. Hold her hand. (Hell doesn’t matter how many actual dates- they’ve been seeing each other and had some form of contact for MONTHS!! Trust me it counts!) Yes, there is the possibility that she’ll reject the hand holding. Look at it like a test. You are testing out whether she is worthy of you or not. You are seeing whether she is as attracted to you as you are to her. If she isn’t and she rejects the hand holding (Which is a very non-sexual, sweet thing.) then SHE failed and you are now free to find that person that is worthy of YOU.

This is also important to touch on: since he hasn’t touched her, he hasn’t moved the relationship forward. He is slowly putting himself in the friend zone. By the second date he should have kissed her cheek, held her hand, guided her by putting his hand on the small of her back… SOMETHING that will make her see that he is physically attracted to her. Right now, he’s just a good friend that buys her dinner and expensive gifts and that’s where he’ll stay until he makes a move. And if she rejects the move? Then she’s not that into him. By the first date the girl already knows whether she will eventually sleep with the guy or not. She may not kiss him then, or let him touch her, after all he needs to prove he likes her for her and not her huge rack or badonkadonk!! But by the second date some physical contact is ok, nothing overtly sexual, but a light touch on her hand while at dinner is perfectly fine.

So guys, if she’s kissed your penis, go ahead and tell her you’ll do anything for her!! And save going out of your way for her for when she’s your girlfriend!

Post your comments and questions guys and gals!