At one point or another we’ve heard this song come up on the radio and felt like you can almost relate to it. That elusive beauty sitting across the room in no way will ever notice you! She’s radiant and you’re… well, you’re just not.
Ok, maybe that was a little melodramatic, but you get my point.
Let’s say that for some reason this woman DOES notice you. She walks up to you, or by chance you two strike up a conversation and she wants to continue it another time, over drinks! Awesome! Score!
And then the insecurities start to creep in. What the hell does this demi-goddess (Or demi-god!) see in me? I’m so short, or I’m so fat, or I’m so ugly, my nose is crooked… She’ll never go for me, I’m kidding myself and end up humiliated when she leaves me for a really awesome guy.
Will she? Well, yeah, if you keep thinking that you’re worthless she’ll start to think it too. That’s a fact.
But ask yourself if she wasn’t at least a little bit interested would she even bother wanting to hang out? She wouldn’t. If she wants to hang out then she wants to test the waters. Doesn’t mean that tomorrow she’s going to want to move in (Unless she’s needy and crazy! Then at that point, stay the hell away!!) it simply means that she wants to see how it goes, your personality, your goals. You got through the first hurdle.
There is SOMETHING in you that she finds attractive. Don’t focus on what she may NOT find attractive. Truth is everyone is different, for example, I like short guys. I’m a good-looking slim 5’6″ red-headed pin up model. For all intents and purposes I’m a “hot girl”. But I like short, stocky guys. If I’m seeing someone that’s short and he has a complex he’ll focus on how horrible it is that I’m taller in heels, while I’m thinking he’s totally hot. Eventually his complex will annoy me and I’ll leave, not because he’s short but because I can’t handle the insecurity. My sister, for example is gorgeous, slim, long dark hair, also a model. She likes older men that aren’t exactly the best looking. Why? They treat her well, she likes the maturity. She likes that they already have their lives together. Now, if they start to question and wonder why SHE is with THEM she will annoyed and drop him. Point is, we are all different. We are all attracted to different things, what you might think is gross someone else might think is really hot. Some guys like girls with huge fat asses, others are repulsed by it. See?
Focus on your good points. Are you hilarious? Did you find her cracking up as you guys were talking? Maybe you have the same moral standing? Did she mention dogs to you and you told her about the time you stole a puppy to save him from his crappy owners? Doesn’t matter what it is, point is, there’s something. Focus on that.
Let’s say that you’re completely at a loss as to what this thing could be. So what? Don’t focus on anything. She wants to hang out, don’t question it. Ever hear the quickest way to get rid of a miracle is to question it? Accept that there’s something there that she likes and let it go!
Nervous about hanging out? Imagine and FEEL (This is very important!) how it will be to sit down with her and her alone and how she’s going to be simply riveted by your conversation. How she is going to be drawn to you because you are unique, because you are smart. Imagine you two in as much detail as possible, the setting, her outfit (Dress her like she was the day that you met.) how proud she’s feeling sitting with you. Do this a few days before you guys meet up and the day of don’t even think about it. Just go about your day as if nothing is going to happen, it’s a regular day and later on that night you’re going to meet up with a buddy.The first few times that you do this it will seem almost like a lie, but the more you do this eventually it will become indisputable truth. This is called visualization. It’s a very effective tool that even Olympic athletes use daily in their training.
Remember that you are testing HER out, you’re there to see if she is worthy of YOU. Ask her about herself, what she does on her time off. What she does when she’s bored. Do these answers seem ok to you? Does she go clubbing all the time? Are you ok with the party lifestyle?
If things don’t work out. Oh well. You met this girl, you’ll meet someone else. Remember that every person that you meet is an opportunity to learn more about yourself. For example, maybe you think that you’re ok with open relationships. I mean it sounds like a great idea. You have the freedom to do whatever you want, no strings, you have someone to go out with that you know you get along with. Then you start to date someone and you discover that an open relationship isn’t really what you want. You don’t like the feeling of your significant other seeing other people. You don’t like that she’s openly dating and kissing and maybe even sleeping with other men! You begin to see what your standards are by dealing with other people. You learn about the things that you can deal with and what you can’t.
Remember that no one is perfect, but it’s finding someone that has the things that you like and the things that you don’t like that you can deal with that makes that person right for YOU and the relationship functional. If you find that you’re holding back your emotions to not “piss her off” or convincing yourself that her smoking habit isn’t really that bad but you’re actually repulsed by the smell and she’s not willing to quit, she’s not for you!
So when you DO meet the elusive “her” you will be prepared.
An important thing to touch on is that the only way to get rid of fear and insecurities is to get out there. Starting is scary, but practice makes perfect. The more you do it, the easier it’ll become and pretty soon you’ll be dating and not even thinking about it. You’re out there to pick HER, not the other way around!