You’re not. That kind of thinking will only attract exactly that.
You start to think that you’re worthless out of a relationship, that no one will ever get you and that no one will ever see how truly awesome and different you are. And that is exactly what people will see. That innate fear is keeping you from being happy.
The first and most important thing is that you have to be happy and fulfilled by your OWN life.
If you feel that you NEED a relationship right now, a relationship is NOT what you need. You feel that it will fill a void, that you’re missing something in your life, it will undoubtedly fill it- for the moment. But, you are entering from a needy place. The other person will sense it and either take advantage of you or drop you unexpectedly and then you’ll be devastated, blame the other person and wonder what the hell is wrong with you.
Well first, there’s nothing wrong with you!
Being in a relationship doesn’t define you. YOU define you. If you think it’ll give you status, or make you feel better when you’re going to a family event or anything along those lines, it’s your sense of self worth that needs to be worked on. (I’ll talk about ways to do that in an upcoming post.)
So, where should you be mentally when getting into a relationship?
Ask yourself the following: if tomorrow that super hot girl or guy that you’ve been out on dates with a few times doesn’t call you back anymore is it the end of the world? You have your friends, your hobbies, your LIFE and him or her being out of it is a small part that can quickly and EASILY be filled in with other super awesome things.
Remember that you were fine before you met this person and you’ll be fine without them.
If this isn’t where you are right now, then you have to get there before you can even think about getting into a relationship with anyone.
If you get into a relationship and find it consuming your thoughts, your life, you cancel plans with friends, and you’re not doing the things that you normally do then you are not in a healthy place.
You have to be a complete person, your significant other does not “complete” you, but rather compliments you. You’re not some half human wandering around like a zombie until you meet the infamous “her” or “him” and that person makes you whole. You have to be whole to begin with.
So, how do you achieve that “whole” feeling?
The expectation that people aren’t going to like you, that voice in your head that tells you that you aren’t “enough” has to go. You attract what you put out, so if you’re putting out that you are worthless people WILL treat you like you’re worthless. You are NOT worthless you just haven’t realized it yet.
1. Wake up in the morning and before getting out of bed smile. The simple act of smiling will bring about a positive feeling, at first it’ll be almost imperceptible but after a while you’ll start to see the difference. It might feel silly at first, it’s not, just smile. 🙂 Smiling releases endorphins, you’ll feel good, people will notice and they’ll come see what’s so awesome. That will make you feel good and the rest of the day will follow.
2. Smile into every mirror. The fact is people are attracted to happy people. Neither you nor I want to hang around a sad negative person, they’ll make YOU sad because emotions are contagious. Once you master this you’ll see that you’ll start attracting people to you with those same happy emotions. People will want to hang around you, which in turn means that you’ll attract people that are good candidates for that special relationship, people that are also in a good healthy place.
3. There is ALWAYS a silver lining. I have a friend that is socially awkward. For his birthday he posted on facebook asking who wanted to do something that night. The replies to his post were all the same, his friends all had excuses and things that they had to do that night. It made him feel like crap and go deeper into his shell. He ended up staying at home, playing video games all night and drinking beer. Truth is, that sounds like an awesome night! I wish that I had the time sit in front of my tv and play skyrim and drink an IPA all night!! Instead of wallowing he should be grateful that he has the time, that he has an xbox, that he has himself!! Being ok doing things alone makes you interesting, people want to know why you’re so comfortable with your own company (Not many people are, and it’s fascinating when someone is doing something alone and is perfectly ok with it.) and they’ll want to hang out with you, maybe catch some of your confidence!! As a side note: when someone is alone and doesn’t FEEL ok with it, they’re awkward whether they realize or not. People will sense that and they won’t seem confident, just creepy. That awkward feeling only goes away with practice. Go to a wine tasting by yourself, talk to the wine reps, ask about the wine, the taste, pretty soon you won’t feel alone and talking to people will seem much easier. Go to the movies by yourself, you won’t have to talk to anyone and it’ll get you used to that alone feeling.
4. Enroll in a gym. Working out also releases endorphins, you’ll start to look great and have more confidence. This also adds to that alone feeling, you go to the gym by yourself, ask the trainers about working out, ask someone there about an exercise that they’re doing. Working out makes you feel good, people enjoy making other people feel good, they’ll help you out. Now this is very important! DO NOT ask a girl that you think is cute about working out. She’ll sense that you’re hitting on her and be creeped out. Ask things to people that are doing something that you’re genuinely interested in knowing about.
5. Eat better. Start small. If every morning you have a doughnut for breakfast, switch it for whole wheat toast. If you love pasta, have it once a week and only whole wheat pasta. (There is a lot to say about eating healthy, feel free to message me about it!) If you put two scoops of sugar in your coffee, try just one. Skip that afternoon fast food burger and pack a lunch! Little by little it’ll start to feel natural and these will become life long habits. Eating healthier will allow you to manage your weight, which will make you happier and people LOVE happy people.
The important thing to keep in mind here is that happiness is attractive!! In order to be happy you have to feel happy!
Once you’ve accomplished all that you’ll see that little by little you will be surrounded by great things and great people. It takes time, but you will build confidence.
Send me your comments and questions, I’d love to get into more specifics about this!